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Feb. 2nd, 2010

I hate my uterus. It fucking sucks. No really, it does. I am on my 4th period since having Abby & I swear it looks like a murder scene every time I go to the bathroom. Blood every where. Down my legs. In my underwear, through to my pants. I am bleeding through a super plus tampon every 45 minutes. This is not NORMAL! (Btw, never use normal in nursing school, I am just sayin') Pt suffers with coupious amounts of blood flooding from her vagina every 37 days. Pain is severe. Humiliation is worse. I bleed through to my pants today in lecture.
Here I am. 40 fucking years old & I still can not control my menstrual issues. I have had it!!!!! I called Dr. V and I will see him friday. I want an ablation. Come hell or high water, I will get one! I am so sick of this shit. I am in tears with frustration about this problem. I do not want hormones, I am to old for that. I am done having kids. My uterus has failed me. I do not need it to cause me more grief. I am just ill about it. Let's hope Dr. V can do this & do it quick. 

Reframing Reframing Reframing

 I am learning that what I believe was true, is probably not. It is hard to wrap my mind about it. 
Alexa did not die because I chose the Midwifery Model and homebirth. She did not die from a post dated pregnancy and failed placenta. Mostly likely she died of a cord accident. 
This is supposed to free me right? I have to change my truth. It is hard. I feel like my wound has had the scab pulled, time to heal again. Sigh, grief never ends. It just changes. I will survive, I have before. My body and mind know how to heal. It will be ok. Life is good. It just is. It was her destiny. Breathe. Move forward, for that is all there is. Cord accident. Cord Accident, oh my fucking GOD! It is not my!!!! 
My story has change. I was comfortable with my story. I accepted my story. Time to accept a new one. 


Nina my God Mom.

Today I am sad. Today my Nina passed way. Nina means God Mother. She has always been there for me. I remember going to her house to play as a little girl. I remember borrowing their car to drive to Lancaster as a little girl. I remember the fake sugar bowl & being fascinated by Sweet & Low, loose in a sugar bowl. (Nino was a used car salesman & diabetic.) I remember how white her shoes were, always. They were never dirty. I remember when I was a teenager & figuring out what faith meant to me. When I was leaving the catholic church & going else where. How she supported me & talked my own mother down. She went, "Now Barbara (my Mom), it is the same God, right? What's the big deal if she still believes in God & Jesus." My Mother calmed down after that. I remember sobbing when my Nino died, and how she told me it was ok. I remember going to visit her at her home, when I brought Matt over the first time. She knew his Dad from the same hospital she worked. She was a nurse.  I remember her talking about her inverted nipples & that she could not breastfeed. I remember how when I found out I was pregnant with Alexa  & she called me. She told me she KNEW what I was feeling. She said, "You feel like hanging yourself from the tallest tree." I remember looking at the trees from my kitchen window & agreeing with her. I did not want to be pregnant again. Austin was 9 years old. I was done having kids. She understood, she did he same thing. 9 years between kids.
She understood me. She loved me unconditionally. I did not go see her yesterday, I will forever regret that. I am sad she did not get to see me become a nurse. The earth lost a good woman today. She was funny and witty. I love her. I will miss her. Nina, please say Hi to Dad and Nino for me. Shower my baby girl with hugs and kisses, and hold her tenderly until we meet again. 

Some New Things!

I will start with Abby, as that is easy to do! She have a few new favorite. She loves Ode To Joy, Beeker Style (which can be viewed here She will watch it over & over again, all day long if I'd let her. She has discovered that she can also view it on the iPhone which is both good & bad. Good when I need some diversion, bad when I want to make a phone call or text!  Her new favorite song is Akon - Right Na Na Na because she relates it to breastfeeding. See, we call nursing, Na-Na's and it says so right in the song. So now she asks for the Na na na song, all the time. Coincidentally, Akon was on Ellen this week and we have it Tivo'd until this phase passes. Abby also has started screaming. Lovely....just lovely. She will scream when happy, scream when frustrated, scream when wanting something, just screaming in general. Oh how I love the 2's!!! Good thing is that I know it will end, sad thing is Austin doesn't and he has started to scream back at her. That is much harder to handle. Lets just say, he spends quite a bit of time in his room for screaming at his 2 yr old sister to Shut Up!!! 
Amber is thriving. She is rockin it school. Her grades are good. She has a new boyfriend that we like (shhh do not tell her that). She breaks up with the ones we like!  She is currently in the the production of Cinderella at YLT. I think she enjoys it, but all I hear about is how rehersals suck. The mind of a teenager!!! 
Austin is well. He is working with his art quite a bit these days. Proof is on the kitchen table which is always covered in paper & colored pencils. The latest endevor is The Adventures and Wars of E.T and Yoda. Quite amazing for such a young kid. He is also enjoying his skateboarding & rip stick g skills. Quite a busy kid. 
Matt has his vasectomy yesterday. I am so glad. I was/am really ready to end our reproductive lives. I feel such peace about it & perhaps now we can have more spontaneous lovin' in our lives! 
Me, well I have been in a funk. Especially when it is just Abby & I. Matt home the last two days has helped. The sun being out has helped. I start school on Monday, for that I am nervous...but I am sure I will be ok. Just hope I do not break out in hives! (I have done that before, btw.)  I am also starting to work with my Midwife & learning some new skills. I have a couple births that I will be helping with, and I hope I get more. 
That is it around here. Happy New Year to all that still read this thing. Perhaps I will start writing more. 

Oct. 15th, 2008

Today is October 15.
It is national Pregnancy & Birth Loss Remembrance day.
This is a very special day to my friends and I.
It is the day we remember our babies very short lives.
And now it is something more to us.
My dear sisters at MOA. We have lost another baby.
Our dear Anton. Anton was so wanted & loved.
Our desire for our friend Lynn was immense.
She struggled to have this dear baby. It took her years.
Her faith did not wain, she knew she would be blessed again.
She trusted.
And today, on this day that we remember our babies,
Anton too grew his wings to be with his sister Coral Rose.
We do not know why. It hurts so bad. It is not fair.
Our friend is in pain. We all at MOA are in pain.
There are no answers. It just is.
Lynn, I love you. I am so so sorry. I share your pain. Again, you will not walk this journey alone. Your MOA sisters will hold you up.. We love you.


Sep. 13th, 2008

Ok I admit it. I am surrendering. I am in a "classic" funk. I do not want to say depression, because that is very serious & requires medication. I do not think I need medication, but I am in a funk. The stress is getting to me. Our financial situation is serious & dire. At least now, I know about it. Matt, forever my protector did not tell me how bad it was/is. Together we will work it out. We know this is temporary, and keeping our fingers crossed, he will be back to work in 3 weeks. But tell that to the cell phone company! Actually they were pretty cool when we called & explained our situation, and they wrote off a huge chunk of our bill.
Anyway. I have been in a funk. Is it hormones? Possibly. I am still waiting for my period to start since having Abby. This is one of the reasons I love nursing, I remain cycle free for a lllloonnngggg time. Yes, that is a benefit. What sucks is this lingering feeling for the last three months of, when I am I going to start? That uterus twinge, you know what I am talking about, that tweak that makes you think Aunt Flo will start anytime. Well I have been feeling that for 12 weeks now & it is exhausting. Perhaps, this is part of my funk?
I think I will go see Alexa, and release a few tears. That usually seems to help some. I will bring her roses. Plus watching Abby run around the head stones makes me feel joyful. Weird, I know.
Now, I started this post 3 days ago. I have to say, I feel better now. Yes, I think it is our financial situation and my hormones all working together, causing me to be miss Psycho Bitch. I am also fighting a virus. So there you have, hormones, and illness all put me into a funk. At least I can name it, har har har.


One Fun Thing this Summer

I was reading one of the many blogs I frequent & the author asked everyone to post one fun thing they did this summer. This made me take pause. I could not easily say one thing. Not because my summer was full of so many fun things I could not name just one, but because, all I could think of was the crummy things that have happened to us this summer. How lame is that??? Seriously. Why is it that my brain goes to the negative? I thought I had stopped that. It seems no matter how much fucking work I do to stop the negative banter, it continues! UGH! So after I recognized this, I started to think of the fun I DID HAVE this summer!!!

1. Play dates with Abby & her friends were a lot of fun! We had swim dates weekly, until Matt got hurt. Even though summer is "over" we are continuing with them and we have another swimming one this week!

2. We went to Disneyland. Now how can that not be fun??? Well, it can be if it is to hot and crowded (there is that negative thinking again, grrrrrr.) but we managed!

3. We had 2 beach days this year! One more than we usually do! The 2nd one was in beautiful San Diego & we met two dear & close friends, Robin & Donna. It was a WONDERFUL time!

4. Matt was home this summer, and while the circumstances behind it all, SUCK ASS big time. I do enjoy spending time with my husband. He is my best friend and while him being home is taxing, it is ok too.

5. Austin has a wonderful summer! He went with his cousin on a couple trips and one with this Grandma (she got her halo off, that is a GREAT THING!) It seemed like he was gone all the time. Even he would say he had a great summer!

6. Amber was in Man of La Mancha. She had a good time & I think she enjoyed herself. However, I do think the highlight of her summer was going to the So You Think You Can Dance, Live Finale. It was a great day for her & I, in the fact that we were together.

7. We had a fun party for our friends in August. We had a good time & we hope our friends did too!

Ok there are 7 things that were fun this summer. The more I reflect the more good times come into my head. Oh, I read books this summer.....I think 5 of them. That is a record for me, since I hardly take the time for myself & read. And I cranked out a few knitted gifts too!
So I am going to try to stop the negative thinking & really try to focus on the joy I do have in my life!!!

10 things this week!

No ramble wordy blog tonight, just some bulletin points about me and our week.

1. Kids back in school = a nicer Mommy.

2. Abby is signing & talking more and more. She signs, please, thank-you, eat, na-na's (our word for nurse) She says, Hi, Bye, Mama, Dada, Abur, brobro, eat, peaz, and other mumbly things I can not remember, but they are so dear when she does it.

3. Austin has yet to get ready for school at a rate that is faster than a snail. I am at a lost of what to do. Any suggestions? (He likes school, he just likes to take his time, when we do not have time!)

4. My house is quiet from 8:00 am until 3:00 pm.

5. Matt is taking less pain medication, but still taking pain medication. SIGH. He went back to the doc, and he would not refer him for an MRI or even more x-rays. He said something to the effect, that those images would not change the course of treatment. Um, ok, but the only reason he is getting any physical treatment is because he is Physical Therapist Assistant & his boss is treating him off the books??? He did take him off work thru september. Oy vey.

6. I like having my morning java when it is quiet in the house!

7. I do not like that Amber has a new/old boyfriend. It is a kid from last year, and not the one I liked either. UGH! I will be checking her my space more frequently.

8. I am addicted to Facebook. And playing games on Facebook.

9. I am praying that Obama wins this election. I also gave his campaign $$ and may even work his booth down at market night!

10. Both my sisters are hurting. My older sister, well her husband moved out. Was he her husband? I am not clear on that one. I think they started a divorce & then got back together before it was final, but did not stop it. Anyway..she is hurting, but so far not drinking again. My little sister, well that is just sad. She is in major pain right now & very very ANGRY! She has much work to do. Both my can feel overwhelming!

11. A girl from elementary has reached out to me. Crazy! We are having a good dialog & I think we are both healing from our pasts. It is nice. ;) J!

12. Ok 2 more than 10, but it must be said; Kids back in school = a better Mommy!!!!!!!

Aug. 18th, 2008

It is silent this morning. Peaceful and calm. I can sit at the computer & drink my java and not listen whining or bickering. It is the first day of school for my older two. I now officially have a child in High School. HIGH SCHOOL! How did that happen??? Didn't I just bring her home from the hospital and sat with cracked and bleeding nipples learning how to breastfeed? I can remember her first day of kindergarten. She was so brave & excited. I can remember what she wore, a little blue dress with red trim and white sandals. Her hair was rolled the night before so she had curls all over. This morning, I was sleeping with Abby, so I do not know what she wore, other than it was probably skinny jeans & and a blouse & her hair ironed flat & make up just so. My first daughter is growing up. One last breath taking thought, I met my husband in 9th grade. My daughter just walked into 9th grade 50 minutes ago. It is hard to comprehend.

Austin starts 5th grade. He is excited and nervous. It seems Austin lacks the confidence Amber possesses. I am not sure why. His size is intimidating, even for him. He will probably be the tallest kid in his class, perhaps even the school at this point. It has always been this way & it seems that instead of getting used to it, it really bothers him. We try to balance it out with many positives thrown his way at home. He is very handsome. He is VERY talented. He is quite smart. I think it is hard to remember those things when you are so different.

So, this morning is quiet. My house is empty, other Abby and I. It is so nice. I can turn on the news once again. There is no fighing...just calm, and peace. And I like it.

Jul. 27th, 2008

I am overwhelmed. I do not like change. No seriously, I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE! I have lived in the same area all my life, I have not moved in 10 years, hell, I have jeans that are over 8 years old. I do not like change (ok I change my hair, but it grows fast, and if I do not like it..well I will change it). However, change surrounds me, and I must learn to adapt. Matt getting hurt has really changed how my household is flowing. He is home, moping; I mean healing. He can not do much, but he tries, and then he hurts & he moans & groans; I mean he rests so he can feel better again. So the chi has change around my house.
See, we have a great partnership. We balance each other out so well. When it comes to chores we have a routine. Now, with him hurt, there is no routine. Matt is a HUGE participant around here & I miss his help. Let me say that again, I MISS HIS HELP!!!! It is exhausting me. And frankly, I feel like I have no right to complain, because I am sure most women do not get the help that I have. Matt is the one who does the dishes after dinner. Matt does most of the laundry. I do the rest, & that is fine. I do the bathroom, I keep the rooms clean, I dust & vaccum. I keep the kids schedules. I breastfeed, on demand! that he is hurt, I have to do it all. & like I said, I know I should not complain, because those that might read this blog, do not have a Matt. I get that, but I have one & I MISS HIM! I do not take him for granted, I do not.
So...what can I do? Can I hire a maid? nope. All I can do is cope. I will try to find the balance & if the kids run out of clean underwear...oh well....they can turn them inside out, right????????????? Or maybe, they can learn to do their own laundry. One can try.